BREAKING NEWS: BROOKFIELD DECLARES STATE OF EMERGENCY AFTER UNSANCTIONED GRASS CUTTING

BROOKFIELD — Chaos erupted Tuesday after local resident Shelby O’Day Hill allegedly attempted to improve the appearance of the Town Common before Memorial Day weekend.

According to totally reliable Facebook sources:

• Chief Blanchard immediately activated the Massachusetts State Police Tactical Lawn Response Unit
• The Governor was placed on standby
• President of the United States reportedly authorized National Guard deployment
• Residents heard military aircraft overhead all afternoon as Air Force pilots monitored the dangerous mowing operation
• FEMA officials were allegedly seen measuring grass height near the gazebo

Officials say Shelby was indicted by a Grand Jury of Karens on multiple charges including:

Felony Beautification
Possession of a Weapon of Grass Reduction
Intent to Volunteer Without Proper Authorization
Reckless Operation of Community Spirit

Witnesses describe the scene as “absolutely horrifying.”

“One minute the grass was tall,” said one resident. “The next minute… it looked maintained.”

Meanwhile, sources report Brookfield’s remaining Highway Department employee has been placed into federal witness protection after being asked if he needed help before Memorial Day.

The FBI has not confirmed reports that Shelby’s lawn mower has been added to the most wanted list.

At press time, authorities warned residents:
“If you see suspicious acts of volunteerism, kindness, or civic pride, immediately contact Town Hall.”

(SATIRE — because apparently we now need to clarify that.)