The Funny Pages – Brookfield Examiner

BREAKING: BROOKFIELD LAUNCHES “SAVE TOWN COUNSEL” FUNDRAISER

Christopher Kelleher — Tue, 26 May 2026 22:01:06 +0000

Following allegations that Select Board “Vice Chair” Richard Chaffee contacted Town Counsel over a citizen cutting grass with Highway Department approval, Brookfield officials are allegedly preparing for a catastrophic increase in emergency legal spending

Officials warn the Town Counsel budget could be completely overwhelmed by future community-related emergencies, including:

Someone picking up litter

A resident sweeping a sidewalk

Unauthorized flower planting

Dangerous levels of civic pride

A citizen helping without first consulting twelve departments

To prepare for these unfolding legal disasters, Brookfield is now launching an emergency “Support the Lawyers” bake sale fundraiser.

However, before selling brownies, cookies, or cupcakes, residents must first:

Obtain Board of Health approval

Install a commercial three-bay sink

File paperwork with at least six different departments

Apply for permits that may or may not exist

Wait 4–6 business years for clarification

Pay all applicable fees, surcharges, convenience fees, review fees, and fee review fees

Officials say any unauthorized baking activity may result in fines, penalties, and — in severe cases — additional emergency consultation with Town Counsel.

Town leaders are calling the plan a “double win”:

Raise money for legal bills

Fine residents to raise even MORE money for legal bills

Meanwhile, Brookfield residents are encouraged to remain calm and avoid any sudden acts of community improvement until Town Counsel can determine whether kindness is legally permissible.

(This is SATIRE)

NOW HIRING: Town of Brookfield Highway Department

Christopher Kelleher — Wed, 25 Mar 2026 19:24:45 +0000

NOW HIRING: Town of Brookfield Highway Department

(This article is satire and reflects commentary on public governance and leadership practices. It is not a factual job posting.)

(Featuring our industry-leading Double Micro-Management system)

Position: Highway Department Employee (High Turnover Edition)

Job Summary:
Do you enjoy working outside while being managed from the inside by someone who is very, very invested in how you do your job?

Have you ever thought, “What if one person could micromanage me… twice?”
Then you’re exactly who we’re looking for.

We are seeking a motivated individual ready to perform hands-on work while experiencing a truly unique leadership style we call Double Micro-Management.

Unlike standard micromanagement — where someone oversees your work — this advanced system ensures that your work is not only monitored, but re-monitored, re-evaluated, and re-directed… repeatedly.

While you will have a department, tools, and assigned duties, please understand that your actual management experience may extend well beyond your job description.

Why This Position Is Available:

We believe in transparency. This role opens up… frequently. Let’s just say… we believe in giving as many people as possible the opportunity to experience it… briefly.

What You’ll Be Doing:

Maintaining roads, equipment, and daily operations
Explaining your work while actively doing it
Re-explaining your work after being told to do it differently
Occasionally wondering if doing the work is the least important part of the job

Core Responsibilities:

Complete daily work assignments while adapting to evolving instructions
Demonstrate flexibility when today’s “right way” becomes tomorrow’s “wrong way”
Maintain composure during spirited discussions about how things should be done
Become comfortable with the idea that there is always one exact correct way — it just may change depending on who’s watching

Our Signature System: Double Micro-Management

Not your standard micromanagement.

This is a premium experience where:

One highly engaged individual ensures nothing is ever just “good enough”
Every task may be reviewed, corrected, and then reviewed again
You may receive direction… and then different direction… shortly after
You will become very familiar with the phrase: “That’s not how I would do it”
Built around a single, highly dedicated source of oversight

Leadership Engagement Opportunities:

Surprise Workplace Interactions

Unannounced appearances
Urgent door-knocking (timing may vary, intensity will not)
Immediate feedback sessions

Communication Style

Clear
Direct
Occasionally delivered at a volume that ensures everyone understands the urgency

After-Hours Support

Thoughtful emails and texts
Helpful reminders about what you did wrong earlier
Follow-ups to make sure you don’t forget

Public Meeting Feature (Fan Favorite):

At times, your job may be discussed in public settings, including:

Whether you’re “really needed”
Whether someone else could do your job cheaper
Whether you are doing anything at all
Observations about trucks, lights, and your general existence

(No attendance required. Awareness guaranteed.)

Work Environment:

Outdoor labor + indoor commentary
High visibility, especially when things are going fine
Team-oriented, in the sense that everyone is involved in your work
Strong culture of accountability (yours)

Compensation & Benefits:

Pay that will be questioned publicly
Job security that keeps things exciting
Advanced training in patience, restraint, and deep breathing
Occasional role as the subject of discussion

Qualifications:

Ability to work under constant evaluation
Strong tolerance for changing expectations
Thick skin (heavy-duty, all-weather recommended)
Ability to say “Yes, understood” with confidence

Apply today! – Or don’t — we’ll probably tell you you did it wrong anyway.
In this role, you won’t just do the job — you’ll experience what it’s like to have the job done with you, at you, and around you.

Town of Brookfield: Where leadership doesn’t just lead — it supervises, re-supervises, and then checks back in to make sure you got the message.

Black Friday Bonanza: A Satirical Peek into the Madness

Christopher Kelleher — Tue, 21 Nov 2023 19:55:20 +0000

As the calendar flips to the end of November, a curious transformation occurs in the town of Brookfield – and indeed, across the nation. Homes once filled with the aroma of Thanksgiving turkey suddenly become launchpads for the most daring of missions: The Black Friday Expedition.

Picture this: It’s Thanksgiving evening. The turkey is but a delicious memory, and Grandpa has just nodded off on the couch. But wait! There’s no time for rest – the local Mega-Mart opens in three hours, and there’s a 60-inch TV on sale for the price of a toaster. Who needs sleep when there’s shopping to be done?

As the clock strikes midnight, our brave consumers, fortified by pumpkin pie and caffeine, embark on their annual pilgrimage. They’re met not by the tranquility of a starlit night, but by a scene reminiscent of a wilderness survival show. The parking lot resembles a derby, shopping carts are the steeds, and the prize? Half-priced electronics and discounted toys that will be forgotten by New Year’s.

In this alternate universe, laws of civility bend. Grown adults play tug-of-war with the last $20 blender, and the line for the cash register snakes around like a conga line gone rogue. Somewhere, a child wonders why Mommy is wrestling a stranger over a discounted sweater.

Meanwhile, back at home, the leftovers get cold. Grandpa’s snoring echoes in the empty living room, a stark reminder of the family time traded for bargain hunting.

And let’s not forget the retail warriors, the store employees, who, armed with nothing but a barcode scanner and a smile, navigate the tsunami of customers. They’re the true MVPs, dreaming of a Thanksgiving dinner they’ll likely have in the break room, if at all.

But fear not, dear readers, for this tale has a twist. As the sun rises on the battlefield of consumerism, a new hero emerges: Cyber Monday. Why brave the cold and chaos when you can shop in your pajamas, with leftovers in hand?

So this Black Friday, let’s make a new tradition. Stay in, stay safe, and let the deals come to you. After all, the best things in life aren’t things – they’re moments spent with snoring Grandpas and leftover turkey sandwiches.

Banish Your Facebook Trolls with New “Troll Spray” – The New Must-Have That’s Flying Off Shelves in Brookfield!

Christopher Kelleher — Mon, 13 Nov 2023 19:13:35 +0000

Brookfield, November 13, 2023: In a groundbreaking advancement in social media hygiene, scientists have concocted a revolutionary solution to one of the digital age’s most persistent pests: Facebook trolls. Introducing “Troll Spray” – the answer to your online woes!

Say Goodbye to Nuisance Comments!
Are you tired of endless arguments on your Facebook posts? Exhausted by the never-ending barrage of unsolicited “expert” opinions? Worry no more! With just a few clicks, the Troll Spray digitally eradicates any traces of negativity from your Facebook feed.

How Does it Work?
The spray, a clever blend of advanced algorithms and AI moderation, works by identifying troll-like behavior. Once a troll is detected, their comments are instantly replaced with positive affirmations or delightful cat memes, transforming your Facebook experience.

Testimonials from Satisfied Users:

“I used Troll Spray on my last post about politics, and poof! All the nasty comments turned into quotes from ‘The Great British Bake Off’. It’s like a breath of fresh air!” – Petunia Sparkleburger, Brookfield
“Since using Troll Spray, my Facebook feed has become a troll-free paradise. I can’t believe I used to spend hours arguing with bots and keyboard warriors!” – Maximilian Thunderbuns, Brookfield

Where to Buy:
Following the recent launch of “Troll Spray,” a revolutionary solution for battling Facebook trolls, local stores report an unprecedented surge in demand, drawing parallels to the toilet paper frenzy of the pandemic era.

Unprecedented Sales Surge:
In what’s being hailed as the most significant social media hygiene advancement, “Troll Spray” has become an overnight sensation. Since its introduction, Brookfield residents have flocked to digital stores, leading to a complete sell-out reminiscent of the great toilet paper rush of 2020.

Local Reactions to the Craze:

“I haven’t seen anything like this since people were hoarding hand sanitizer and toilet paper,” says Sparky Glitterbeam, manager of Brookfield’s TechSavvy store. “We sold out within hours, and now there’s a waiting list!”
“I just wanted to try it out, but it’s sold out everywhere,” laments Glinda Moonwhistle, a local Facebook user. “It’s like trying to find toilet paper during the pandemic all over again!”

A Cultural Phenomenon:
Troll Spray’s sudden popularity highlights the growing frustration among social media users with online negativity. “Troll Spray is more than a product; it’s a movement against online toxicity,” says Dr. Fizzle McWhiskers, a noted expert in digital well-being and mythical sciences. The product’s popularity underscores a widespread desire for more positive and troll-free online interactions.

Restocking and Availability:
Retailers are scrambling to restock, with new supplies expected soon. For those eagerly awaiting their chance to fight back against Facebook trolls, patience is key in this new era of digital hygiene.

Disclaimer: Troll Spray is a fictional product and part of a satirical piece. Always engage responsibly on social media.

Brookfield Mega Swine Industrial Complex: Brookfield Swine & Dine Emporium,The Pinnacle of Modern Civilization Arrives Downtown

Christopher Kelleher — Fri, 03 Nov 2023 22:00:55 +0000

By Maurice LePakery

BROOKFIELD, MA— Just when you thought Brookfield couldn’t get any more innovative, the town unveils its most audacious venture yet: the Brookfield Mega Swine Industrial Complex. Poised for its grand opening next month, this groundbreaking factory pig farm and slaughterhouse nestles between Tasse Propane and the newly opened Al’s Asbestos Outlet. Brookfield is clearly at the precipice of a new era.

In a town where proposed health regulations remain nothing more than a quaint idea, Brookfield has managed to outdo itself once again. “Why would we need big-city regulations when we have big-town spirit?” says an anonymous member of the Board of Health. “This is how we put Brookfield on the map!”

A Nose-to-Tail Approach

The complex promises to utilize every part of the pig, from snout to tail, and even offers a new line of pig-based home fragrances, including “Eau de Bacon” and “Porkchouli.”

Employment Galore!

With over 200 positions available, ranging from Hog Whisperers to Swine Aromatherapists, the complex aims to be Brookfield’s largest employer.

Eau De Brookfield

Concerns about the aromatic impacts of the complex have been briskly dismissed. “Between Al Chrysotile’s asbestos and the Mega Swine & Dine Emporium, we’re crafting a unique scent-scape that epitomizes the essence of Brookfield,” says the Complex’s spokesperson , Grime McOinkerson “Why travel to Paris when you can experience olfactory enlightenment right here?”

Could the Naysayers Have a Point?

While this does represent a bold step into the future for Brookfield, it’s hard to ignore that some members of the community were pressing for health regulations. Their voices now serve as a distant echo warning us that perhaps, just maybe, we should’ve seen this coming.

As Brookfield moves towards an uncharted future, residents are left to ponder: is this the beginning of a new frontier or the end of Brookfield as we know it? But for now, the Brookfield Mega Swine Industrial Complex is here to stay. And remember, if you can’t beat them, join them—for they are now accepting applications!

Benefits : Prime location: Your workspace will be flanked by the town’s most avant-garde enterprises.

**A lifetime supply of bacon (some restrictions may apply).

**Employee discount at Al’s Asbestos Outlet (next door)

**Complimentary earplugs to drown out the sound of joyous pig squeals.